Since my diagnosis, God was laying His purpose on my heart. I just thought about it for a few days, I don’t really know the time frame, number of days, hours, whatever. Not important. But I am sick, my body is really, sick. I have cancer in my kidney, and it has metastasized. Right now, right now, I feel really, really good. Why? I don’t know. When you are sick, and God allows you to physically feel good. You do not ask questions, you say, “Thank You”. But my body is sick. Some of you know exactly what I am talking about.
In the middle of September, I had a period of time I did not feel well, good, physically. I would be up one hour, in bed 4 hours. To really know, you would have to ask my family. There are days I do not remember anything. From Sept. 23 – 10/1, I could count my memories on my 10 fingers. I was mostly in bed, sleeping. I think this was when He began to really work with me on this purpose. I feel He had to take me down to get me to listen to what He was saying. As I edit this, I feel it makes me sound pompous, all knowing, I don’t know. This has been a struggle with me, in me, since that time. It really was a small seed that had grown and grown fast. I do not know what all that means. Do I only have a short time? Do I have a long time? Lots to do? I do not know. You will hear me say that a lot. Here is a spoiler alert. This blog will try to fill in the rest. In the end God said, Do as I ask, then get out of the way!
On, 10/8, Bob had to leave town for business, so I had to go stay with Bobby. Had to? well, that was pre-decided without my input, discussion, anything. I do not like that, never have but in the future, I will love it and I will be running to their house to do it again and maybe even often and I may not wait for anyone to leave town. This is where my conscious mental transformation took place. (Mom alert: I always sleep on the couch at Bobby’s, when I have stayed there to take care of the kids when Bob and Bridget left town. Number 1, they have the most comfortable couches I have ever slept on. There are plenty of beds upstairs I could use. I like the couches! At home, we always slept on our couches, for a nap, if you came to stay with us, whatever. I don’t want anyone to think for a second that my son MADE his sick mother sleep on the couch while all of them slept in their comfy beds as usual. It is ok, don’t worry.)
As I laid down each night and tried to go to sleep, I would be thinking, thinking, thinking. I have always had a hard time going to sleep. Usually, sleep with the TV on, I can’t shut my mind off. But the TV was in the other room, so I just would lay there and think, talk to God, think. I remember thinking, God what am I supposed to do for you in this mess. He began to lay out the purpose for my life more obvious to me.
He revealed He wanted me to share what He lays on my heart.?????? What? I want you to write what I lay on your heart and put it into the world.
I asked God, “How am I going to do that?” Then it dawned on me. Ha, dawned on ME. I do learn to be more realizing of how and why images came to my mind. Brittani has a blog, which God shot before my eyes. Remember, most of this is literally in the middle of the night and sometimes all night. Brittani’s blog is beautiful, different concept, but I thought, I could do that.
Then I said, “But I don’t know what I’m doing?”
He said, “You don’t have to know what you are doing. You just have to write down what I lay on your heart”. Then he showed me the family FB page. You know I was “acting up”. I could first share these “postings” on the family FB page to see how that part works. They are my family and have to still love me. I could practice on them.
I’m stubborn, but I am not able to explain these feelings. I said to God: “I must be sure this is what You want me to do”. Don’t any of you all act surprised that God and I were arguing in the middle of many nights. Him telling me what He set as my purpose in this period of my life and me trying to come up with why I was the wrong person to ask. He has better people out there. Even though I could feel this desire to carry out this mission, I did not want to mess it up. I am good at following directions, written directions, verbal directions, not feely, touchy directions. I asked God to send me a sign, a TEXT. God just send a text. I could do that. I would freak out if the text sender was listed as God, but I would know I was on the right path. And what was the chance God was going to send me a TEXT.
I still did not have that final discerning thought or feeling to know this was of God and not of me. That this was His will. I needed the “icing on the cake”. I was scrolling through some FB posts of our family and came across a post of Lindsay’s. Now this was October 19th. Christopher, our younger son who died 4 years ago, birthday. Already a bad day. God wants me to do this thing, I’m not sure. Lindsay had posted a song by Cody Carnes called “Nothing Else”. I don’t usually play posted songs, mainly because they don’t work for me but I opened it up and played it. I sat there amazed as I listened to the song. How did she know what I was searching for? How did Lindsay know? As I listened to the words, I thought, I must be hearing them wrong. I looked up the lyrics:
Verse 1
I’m caught up in Your presence
I just want to sit here at Your feet
I’m caught up in this holy moment
I never want to leave
Verse 2
Oh, I’m not here for blessings
Jesus, You don’t owe me anything
More than anything that You can do
I just want You
Chorus]
I’m sorry when I’ve just gone through the motions
I’m sorry when I just sang another song
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You
I’m sorry when I’ve come with my agenda
I’m sorry when I forgot that You’re enough
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You
I just want You
Nothing else, nothing else
Nothing else will do
I start bawling. How could this be? I asked for a TEXT and God sent a song. Music has always been one of my main ways of worshipping. The pastor could say the same words but in a song, it gets deep down into my heart and pulls and pulls and pulls. I was crying so hard my chest was hurting. God didn’t send me a TEXT, He sent me a song. He not only knew what I needed and wanted to hear, Esp. those lyrics. I can’t just go through the motions, now, I can’t just sing another song. Before I thought, I have a long time but maybe I don’t and can’t be lax about this anymore, I can’t come with my agenda and I must make time count in doing what he wants me to do.
He knew just exactly how He needed to do it. AND He did it. I was done searching for the “icing on the cake”. It was as if I had witnessed a full-blown miracle. I did witness a miracle. In the moment I heard those words, there was a peace that came over me. There was happiness I had not felt in many, many, many years. I knew what I had to do. God’s purpose for my life, to write down what He lays on my heart, put it out in the world and GET OUT OF THE WAY! My life was changed, forever. I could have leap tall buildings, walk the high wire and conquer anything else that was put in my path. Now, I just couldn’t wait to get started.
I wanted, needed to talk with Lindsay. I sent her a message. This is that message.
Me: “Even now, I am sitting here crying because these are the feelings I was having. I have never heard this song before but thank you. Music has always been one of my main ways of worshipping and communing with God. I really find it hard to believe that you posted this, today, when I needed it. I know you didn’t know; I know you didn’t post is just for me, but I believe God had you post it for me. I know, he had you post it for me and for others who needed to hear it today. Do you care if I repost to Chamberlain, and then my blog later? Can I tell them it is a gift from you or would prefer I didn’t? Thank you and I love you so much. Today has been an amazing day.”
Lindsay’s response: “But I was only a vehicle for God’s plan.”
Me: “I cannot tell you what you have given me.”
Lindsay: “I had never heard it before today. I was at a women’s retreat with E and C this weekend. They played it as we remained sitting and used the song as a prayer. I was sobbing by the end. And I’ve been listening to it on repeat, emotional, for the past hour as I drove home. It was only after I posted it did, I read your quest to find your purpose for this season in your life. So yeah, it was all God at work. And Yes, God absolutely speaks to me through song ALL. THE. TIME!! We all fail as children of God. But thank you Father for grace so we can be welcomed into His embrace when we stop long enough to seek Him. You share away sweet Sue Jane!
Me: “Thank you”. “
Lindsay: “But I was only a vehicle for God’s plan”.
Me: “We are all only a vehicle in God’s plan. That is why the words I am sorry when I came with my agenda hit my heart. I can’t waste any more time trying to push my agenda on God. I want to make sure I am doing His agenda. Otherwise, it is all for naught. I do not have time to waste. I don’t mean I think I’m dying soon, but before this I would tell God, “I can do it later”. It is very clear to me that later may be sooner or it may be later. Thus, the title of my blog God, Am I Coming or Going? AKA Random Thoughts of a Woman Who Doesn’t Know If She Is Coming or Going”.
Lindsay: “I believe we should all live with that mentality every day. It is so easy to take each moment for granted. But we never know when something simple, like sharing a song, might be an act in God’s merciful plan and speak life into someone else.
Me: “That is exactly what God laid on my heart. My purpose is not to stop world hunger, hatred or to lead every person to God. M purpose now is to share what he lays on my heart, that it might be an encouragement even to one person at a time or even to allow others to comment allowing them to share those feelings, when maybe they didn’t feel comfortable before. That has happened today several times and then you posted this song. God is AMAZING. I have always been one of Gods slower children and I, even this week, was saying to him, could you just send me a text so I am sure I on the right path? I have always tried to be discerning but it is easy to get caught up in your own agenda. Then He sent this song through you. It is better than a text.”
At every step as God, persistent God, kept leading me and me persistent me, kept giving Him really good excuses why I was not His best choice. WELL, I’m writing, aren’t I. And at every step, God showed me a way of how to carry it out. Those ways were all around me, had been there all the time. I didn’t have to go looking for them. All the actual concrete examples I needed were there. This time I was paying attention. God got my attention.
It was so amazing and unbelievable that I truly and literally had to step back, not to argue with Him anymore, but to absorb what happened and what was happening. I do have to remember, I am sick, really sick. I had to step away a little after this happened to rest and absorb.
I am going to do a blog. I have to learn how to do that, make it happen, organize it, etc. Bob is helping me with that, and it will take a little time. I have been posting my random thoughts on the family FB page, but I do have to provide some structure before I start my actual blog. Blog management issues. Boy, I never thought I would say those words. So, I am trying to get organized.
In the meantime, I will be putting some things in order, writing them down. I wrote this early this am and then at 4am, I woke up and edited the beginning, explaining more in the beginning. I may be asleep and have to get up to write. Trying to get some of the things that He has put on my heart written down. I am afraid I will forget. It is so clear as I go over with God in the middle of the night how it should sound, it is brilliant, Then the sun comes up. I have to work hard to share what He has laid on my heart and that I am not just here writing a nice note. That will be hard for me, at least now, but I pray that as I Iearn the logistics of this, I can write what He lays on my heart, and just GET OUT OF THE WAY. Not really in my nature and here, right now is still that struggle inside me. I will work on that. This is His. I am just the “vehicle”.
These are and will be random thoughts but I believe in the beginning, whoever out there that God leads to the blog, would benefit from some structure and beginning info. But you will see some entries and think, I have read this before or some version of it. You probably have or a really close version. Read it or skip it, it is ok. Remember, He just told be to share what He laid on my heart, then I’m done. He promised He will take care of the rest. He knows who He wants to see the blog.
I just wanted to let you know what was happening and why there may be a lag. After, It gets rolling there may be lags. I will share what He lays on my heart. I would say that there are things that I write my thoughts without His direction. They will be like journal entries. My Immuno treatments, hospital stays, illness related entries will be like that. I will post scriptures, music, etc. I will really, really, try and resist or minimize that and if I do, I will label them as such. Ex. above Mom Alert. This is His blog. I would like this to be “Written by God, typed (grammar errors and all) be Sue”. Matthew 10:20 For it is not you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.
God, Am I Coming or Going? 