God and me struggling, God winning!
Since my diagnosis, God was laying His purpose on my heart. I just thought about it for a few days, I don’t really know the time frame, number of days, hours, whatever. Not important. But I am sick, my body is really, sick. I have cancer in my kidney, and it has metastasized. Right now, right now, I feel really, really good. Why? I don’t know. When you are sick, and God allows you to physically feel good. You do not ask questions, you say, “Thank You”. But my body is sick. Some of you know exactly what I am talking about.
In the middle of September, I had a period of time I did not feel well, good, physically. I would be up one hour, in bed 4 hours. To really know, you would have to ask my family. There are days I do not remember anything. From Sept. 23 – 10/1, I could count my memories on my 10 fingers. I was mostly in bed, sleeping. I think this was when He began to really work with me on this purpose. I feel He had to take me down to get me to listen to what He was saying. As I edit this, I feel it makes me sound pompous, all knowing, I don’t know. This has been a struggle with me, in me, since that time. It really was a small seed that had grown and grown fast. I do not know what all that means. Do I only have a short time? Do I have a long time? Lots to do? I do not know. You will hear me say that a lot. Here is a spoiler alert. This blog will try to fill in the rest. In the end God said, Do as I ask, then get out of the way!
On, 10/8, Bob had to leave town for business, so I had to go stay with Bobby. Had to? well, that was pre-decided without my input, discussion, anything. I do not like that, never have but in the future, I will love it and I will be running to their house to do it again and maybe even often and I may not wait for anyone to leave town. This is where my conscious mental transformation took place. (Mom alert: I always sleep on the couch at Bobby’s, when I have stayed there to take care of the kids when Bob and Bridget left town. Number 1, they have the most comfortable couches I have ever slept on. There are plenty of beds upstairs I could use. I like the couches! At home, we always slept on our couches, for a nap, if you came to stay with us, whatever. I don’t want anyone to think for a second that my son MADE his sick mother sleep on the couch while all of them slept in their comfy beds as usual. It is ok, don’t worry.)
As I laid down each night and tried to go to sleep, I would be thinking, thinking, thinking. I have always had a hard time going to sleep. Usually, sleep with the TV on, I can’t shut my mind off. But the TV was in the other room, so I just would lay there and think, talk to God, think. I remember thinking, God what am I supposed to do for you in this mess. He began to lay out the purpose for my life more obvious to me.
He revealed He wanted me to share what He lays on my heart.?????? What? I want you to write what I lay on your heart and put it into the world.
I asked God, “How am I going to do that?” Then it dawned on me. Ha, dawned on ME. I do learn to be more realizing of how and why images came to my mind. Brittani has a blog, which God shot before my eyes. Remember, most of this is literally in the middle of the night and sometimes all night. Brittani’s blog is beautiful, different concept, but I thought, I could do that.
Then I said, “But I don’t know what I’m doing?”
He said, “You don’t have to know what you are doing. You just have to write down what I lay on your heart”. Then he showed me the family FB page. You know I was “acting up”. I could first share these “postings” on the family FB page to see how that part works. They are my family and have to still love me. I could practice on them.
I’m stubborn, but I am not able to explain these feelings. I said to God: “I must be sure this is what You want me to do”. Don’t any of you all act surprised that God and I were arguing in the middle of many nights. Him telling me what He set as my purpose in this period of my life and me trying to come up with why I was the wrong person to ask. He has better people out there. Even though I could feel this desire to carry out this mission, I did not want to mess it up. I am good at following directions, written directions, verbal directions, not feely, touchy directions. I asked God to send me a sign, a TEXT. God just send a text. I could do that. I would freak out if the text sender was listed as God, but I would know I was on the right path. And what was the chance God was going to send me a TEXT.
I still did not have that final discerning thought or feeling to know this was of God and not of me. That this was His will. I needed the “icing on the cake”. I was scrolling through some FB posts of our family and came across a post of Lindsay’s. Now this was October 19th. Christopher, our younger son who died 4 years ago, birthday. Already a bad day. God wants me to do this thing, I’m not sure. Lindsay had posted a song by Cody Carnes called “Nothing Else”. I don’t usually play posted songs, mainly because they don’t work for me but I opened it up and played it. I sat there amazed as I listened to the song. How did she know what I was searching for? How did Lindsay know? As I listened to the words, I thought, I must be hearing them wrong. I looked up the lyrics:
Verse 1
I’m caught up in Your presence
I just want to sit here at Your feet
I’m caught up in this holy moment
I never want to leave
Verse 2
Oh, I’m not here for blessings
Jesus, You don’t owe me anything
More than anything that You can do
I just want You
Chorus]
I’m sorry when I’ve just gone through the motions
I’m sorry when I just sang another song
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You
I’m sorry when I’ve come with my agenda
I’m sorry when I forgot that You’re enough
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You
I just want You
Nothing else, nothing else
Nothing else will do
I start bawling. How could this be? I asked for a TEXT and God sent a song. Music has always been one of my main ways of worshipping. The pastor could say the same words but in a song, it gets deep down into my heart and pulls and pulls and pulls. I was crying so hard my chest was hurting. God didn’t send me a TEXT, He sent me a song. He not only knew what I needed and wanted to hear, Esp. those lyrics. I can’t just go through the motions, now, I can’t just sing another song. Before I thought, I have a long time but maybe I don’t and can’t be lax about this anymore, I can’t come with my agenda and I must make time count in doing what he wants me to do.
He knew just exactly how He needed to do it. AND He did it. I was done searching for the “icing on the cake”. It was as if I had witnessed a full-blown miracle. I did witness a miracle. In the moment I heard those words, there was a peace that came over me. There was happiness I had not felt in many, many, many years. I knew what I had to do. God’s purpose for my life, to write down what He lays on my heart, put it out in the world and GET OUT OF THE WAY! My life was changed, forever. I could have leap tall buildings, walk the high wire and conquer anything else that was put in my path. Now, I just couldn’t wait to get started.
I wanted, needed to talk with Lindsay. I sent her a message. This is that message.
Me: “Even now, I am sitting here crying because these are the feelings I was having. I have never heard this song before but thank you. Music has always been one of my main ways of worshipping and communing with God. I really find it hard to believe that you posted this, today, when I needed it. I know you didn’t know; I know you didn’t post is just for me, but I believe God had you post it for me. I know, he had you post it for me and for others who needed to hear it today. Do you care if I repost to Chamberlain, and then my blog later? Can I tell them it is a gift from you or would prefer I didn’t? Thank you and I love you so much. Today has been an amazing day.”
Lindsay’s response: “But I was only a vehicle for God’s plan.”
Me: “I cannot tell you what you have given me.”
Lindsay: “I had never heard it before today. I was at a women’s retreat with E and C this weekend. They played it as we remained sitting and used the song as a prayer. I was sobbing by the end. And I’ve been listening to it on repeat, emotional, for the past hour as I drove home. It was only after I posted it did, I read your quest to find your purpose for this season in your life. So yeah, it was all God at work. And Yes, God absolutely speaks to me through song ALL. THE. TIME!! We all fail as children of God. But thank you Father for grace so we can be welcomed into His embrace when we stop long enough to seek Him. You share away sweet Sue Jane!
Me: “Thank you”. “
Lindsay: “But I was only a vehicle for God’s plan”.
Me: “We are all only a vehicle in God’s plan. That is why the words I am sorry when I came with my agenda hit my heart. I can’t waste any more time trying to push my agenda on God. I want to make sure I am doing His agenda. Otherwise, it is all for naught. I do not have time to waste. I don’t mean I think I’m dying soon, but before this I would tell God, “I can do it later”. It is very clear to me that later may be sooner or it may be later. Thus, the title of my blog God, Am I Coming or Going? AKA Random Thoughts of a Woman Who Doesn’t Know If She Is Coming or Going”.
Lindsay: “I believe we should all live with that mentality every day. It is so easy to take each moment for granted. But we never know when something simple, like sharing a song, might be an act in God’s merciful plan and speak life into someone else.
Me: “That is exactly what God laid on my heart. My purpose is not to stop world hunger, hatred or to lead every person to God. M purpose now is to share what he lays on my heart, that it might be an encouragement even to one person at a time or even to allow others to comment allowing them to share those feelings, when maybe they didn’t feel comfortable before. That has happened today several times and then you posted this song. God is AMAZING. I have always been one of Gods slower children and I, even this week, was saying to him, could you just send me a text so I am sure I on the right path? I have always tried to be discerning but it is easy to get caught up in your own agenda. Then He sent this song through you. It is better than a text.”
At every step as God, persistent God, kept leading me and me persistent me, kept giving Him really good excuses why I was not His best choice. WELL, I’m writing, aren’t I. And at every step, God showed me a way of how to carry it out. Those ways were all around me, had been there all the time. I didn’t have to go looking for them. All the actual concrete examples I needed were there. This time I was paying attention. God got my attention.
It was so amazing and unbelievable that I truly and literally had to step back, not to argue with Him anymore, but to absorb what happened and what was happening. I do have to remember, I am sick, really sick. I had to step away a little after this happened to rest and absorb.
I am going to do a blog. I have to learn how to do that, make it happen, organize it, etc. Bob is helping me with that, and it will take a little time. I have been posting my random thoughts on the family FB page, but I do have to provide some structure before I start my actual blog. Blog management issues. Boy, I never thought I would say those words. So, I am trying to get organized.
In the meantime, I will be putting some things in order, writing them down. I wrote this early this am and then at 4am, I woke up and edited the beginning, explaining more in the beginning. I may be asleep and have to get up to write. Trying to get some of the things that He has put on my heart written down. I am afraid I will forget. It is so clear as I go over with God in the middle of the night how it should sound, it is brilliant, Then the sun comes up. I have to work hard to share what He has laid on my heart and that I am not just here writing a nice note. That will be hard for me, at least now, but I pray that as I Iearn the logistics of this, I can write what He lays on my heart, and just GET OUT OF THE WAY. Not really in my nature and here, right now is still that struggle inside me. I will work on that. This is His. I am just the “vehicle”.
These are and will be random thoughts but I believe in the beginning, whoever out there that God leads to the blog, would benefit from some structure and beginning info. But you will see some entries and think, I have read this before or some version of it. You probably have or a really close version. Read it or skip it, it is ok. Remember, He just told be to share what He laid on my heart, then I’m done. He promised He will take care of the rest. He knows who He wants to see the blog.
I just wanted to let you know what was happening and why there may be a lag. After, It gets rolling there may be lags. I will share what He lays on my heart. I would say that there are things that I write my thoughts without His direction. They will be like journal entries. My Immuno treatments, hospital stays, illness related entries will be like that. I will post scriptures, music, etc. I will really, really, try and resist or minimize that and if I do, I will label them as such. Ex. above Mom Alert. This is His blog. I would like this to be “Written by God, typed (grammar errors and all) be Sue”. Matthew 10:20 For it is not you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.
Date Scripture: 11/15/2019 Romans 10:11-15
Romans 10:11-15 14 How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? 15 And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!”
How it all started.
I truly am a woman who doesn’t know if she is coming or going, or when that could occur. I am 64, my grandkids, my very smart grandkids say I am 22. I have always been quite healthy. I have had high blood pressure, well controlled for over 20 years by my long-term doctor. Early this year, I got a bad cold, the flu, I don’t know, everyone had it. For everyone, it lasted and hung on for weeks. You coughed, you were achy, you were tired…You know, you just didn’t feel good. You would feel better one day and thought, it is going away, then the next day, you felt crappie again. Well, mine hung on like everyone else’s, I was just like everyone else. It was just taking a long time to get better.
I had my regular Doctor’s appointment Feb. 27, felt pretty good that day, but did tell the doctor that I thought I had pneumonia or had had pneumonia with my earlier illness. He listened; my lungs were clear. (No judgement, they were clear.) My lab work was all OK. Even my cholesterol, which has always been a shock to me. I continued to have a bad cough, a bad cough. I went to my NP gynecologist apt and had a mammograph. I am a good pt. Everything was fine, no problems, see you next year. This was my yearly routine and I usually never went back to the doctor for anything. Maybe once and a while I might have a small cold, etc. got a z-pack, but my doctor and I pretty much had a yearly relationship. But this year, it was going to be different.
My husband, Bob , is an engineer and is a consultant to a major racing company. He was gong to France to prepare for the 24 hours at Le Mans race, would come home for about a week, then go back to the race. I wanted to go. I really wanted to go to the RACE, but since I didn’t feel good, I was going to go with him to the prep and then come home and would watch the race on TV when he went back. Bob told me I had to go back to the doctor and get something for my cold, flu, whatever it was. He couldn’t take me to France with that cough. People on the plane would think I had Zars or something. So, I went back to the doctor (Thursday, May 16th) and pretty much begged for a chest x-ray and got one. By the time I got home (20 mins) my doctor called and said they saw nodules on my lungs. On Tuesday, May 21, I had a Thoracic CT with barium and contrast, it showed a large tumor in my right kidney with metastasis to both lungs. There were some enlarged lymph nodes.
I asked my doctor, “What now?”
He suggested a doctor, I called and had an appointment for a month away. But that didn’t feel right. I had work at the DMC for over 32 years, so I paged a physician I had worked with and really trusted.
The phone rang: and the very familiar voice said, “This is Dr. L, how may I help you”.
I had thought I would get an operator, that would try to reach him, but he called. He did not know it was me. I just started screaming his first name in the phone, I couldn’t believe it was actually him and I would not have to wait for a call back. I told him what had happened so far and asked, if your family had this, where would you send them.
He said, “Karmanos”, straight away. “You need to talk to a renal oncology surgeon.”
I think light shone threw my cell phone, I was so glad to talk to him and get his advice. He is a wonderful physician and his advise is thoughtful, appropriate and correct.
So, I called Karmanos Cancer Center general number. “Hello, Karmanos, how may I help you”. I told them briefly what I knew and that I was told I needed to see a renal surgeon. They said ok, and asked, can you come in next week? I said “Sure”, and they gave me a date. I was impressed that I didn’t have to wait the month like I would have with the other physician.
Then they said, “Oh, he has an opening on Thursday (two days away). Can you make it then?”
“Yes”, I said and the appointment was set up. I called my regular physician back and asked if he could send me the results of the cxr and CT. He did.
Bob had to leave for a race on Thursday am. I told him, I’m just going in to see what he says, I will let you know when I am done.
I walked into my appointment and the usual things were done, height, weight, BP, P, R. No different than any of the 100s of appointments I have had over my life. Usually followed by, everything looks good, you should loose weight, exercise more, eat better. You know the drill. Today would be different, very, very different.
When Dr. C came in, he was very nice, introduced himself, shook my hand, and asked, “What brings you here today”.
I told him about going to the doctor, asking for a cxr, they say I have nodules, then they did a CT, they said I have a mass, well, “Here are my radiology reports”. He quietly read them for, I don’t know how long, it seemed like a couple years. I just sat there and tried to interpret his face. If you have worked in the medical field, you know that often you can read the physicians face to get an idea of what they are thinking. Not this time. When he was done, he asked if I had a copy of the actual films, I said no, but said I would go and try to get them.
He said “OK, when we are done here.” He said, “Well, I am a renal oncology surgeon and you do have a renal tumor. If we take it out, I am the person who would do that. But you have involvement in your lungs, maybe lymph and first I would like you to work with our renal oncologist. You need to have a biopsy of your lung nodules.”
They wanted to do an immediate lung biopsy but I wanted to go to France with Bob on May 30th. I told this to him.
He said, “GO, we will do it when you get back.” As a very long-term pediatric nurse, who took care of critical children, I felt I knew what, No, you definitely should go to France with your husband meant. In my head it meant, “this is your last chance to go with him you should go.” I was scared but I was going to go with him. I could not have the biopsy and go on the plane due to pressure changes.
All of this was done and said and that stupid elephant in the room would not leave. I looked at him and I said, “Dr. C”. Am I going to die”? He looked at me and said, I think you have 2 years. I didn’t even cry, I don’t know what I did. I don’t think I could hear anything. I remember getting up and saying, I am going to go get the films and I will bring them back. I went and got in the car, looked up the radiology center to call and ask if I could come get a disc of my films. They said, “Yes”. I put the address in the GPS and left. I cannot tell you what I thought about as I drove there, I didn’t cry. I always cry. The only time I was afraid while driving there was when I had to go through one of the roundabouts. I hate those things. I got to the radiology center, got my disc, put the Karmanos address in the GPS, drove back, gave them the disc, put HOME in the GPS and drove home. Bob was gone and I was there alone.
I do not know if I called Bob or he called me, but when we talked I told him they wanted to do a biopsy but it could wait until we got back from France. I was going to go to France to see this place that Bob loved. Bob’s team would not be racing here again, and this was my LAST chance, no matter the reason.
When Bob came home from that weekend, I did tell him what else Dr. C said. I could not tell him when he was alone at the race and besides what good would it have done. It would not have changed a thing and it would only make him worry. But, when I told him when he got home, he was not happy at all that I had waited. I would do it again.
May 30th, we are going to France. Bob usually flies first class because of how
often he flies and if I go I usually sit in business. Bob had made up his mind that I was going 1st
class this time. Not like any first
class I had ever seen on any of the planes I had been on. You know, when you are walking through first
class and all those people look at you like, You must be poor. Well, those people never had first class
like this. Each one of you got your own
little cubicle, full, sheets, full pillows, little desk area, TV, on and on and
on. There is a menu laying there and I
motioned to a steward and said,
“Now, do I just pick what I want and tell you?”
He said, “No, Ma’am, we bring it all to you.” I looked at him and said, “All of it?” He said, “Yes, Ma’am, and it is good”. The flight itself was way more than I
expected and way more than I needed and I loved it.
Some wonderful people also went who made sure I got to walk around Le Mans while Bob worked, that I would take enough time to sit and eat. But I did a lot of sleeping because of my lung involvement. I am very thankful to them.
I had the lung biopsy Wednesday, June 5th. Bob and Bobby went with me. It went well. I had to stay in recovery for an hour after the surgery to have another cxr. But I woke up really quick in recovery. As I sat up, I could hear the staff talking about lunch and someone said, I think we are going to Chick-fil-a. I remember looking at them and asking, “Did you say, Chick-fil-a?” They said, yes, they have one in the hospital now. For 32 years I worked across the yard or I could get there by tunnel and there was NO Chick-fil-a there then, but they have Chick-fil-a. For the next 50 minutes, I was checking out the menu at Chick-fil-a and sending Bob my order. I said, I will let you know when the cxr is done, so as I get ready you can go get the order. He did as ordered, so when they wheeled me out of recovery, he handed me my bag of gold. I felt like there had been a bank robbery. Bob got the car from valet, Bobby helped me in the car and shut the door. This has become a common custom. He will not leave me at the hospital until he knows I am safe in the car. I love him, so much. I do not know, if he will ever understand what that means to me. That is how I treated my mother and how I wanted to treat my mother. To do what I could to protect her from what I could.
Once we were safely in the car and on our way home, I said, Bob, I have to have a sandwich now. I cannot wait. It wasn’t that I was starved and couldn’t wait the half hour. It was that they smelled so good and I had the bag of gold and I was going to eat them. I ate my two sandwiches before we got home and then could barely get in the house fast enough. But they tasted wonderful and it is not uncommon for us to get them during my treatments.
June 11th, I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic renal cell carcinoma with bilateral lung and lymph involvement. I was in shock. We (Bob, Bobby, I) met with the doctor and with all the info. I had seen each of the written results, cxr, CT, biopsy before the apt. I knew what it meant. We all knew what it meant, but, there is something about sitting there and having that doctor say the words out loud. It is a whole new level. My insides started spinning.
Then, explanations started, options started, words were said, some I comprehended, some not. I am not telling you I do not know the definitions of those words. I have sat with many, many, many families in my work and words and definitions were given to them. Often, I would stay behind and make sure they understood them, knew what was going to happen, let them ask questions. This scene was not unfamiliar to me. I have sat in those family’s room and cried in those rooms with families. But in those times, I had on the white coat. My insides were spinning and I was trying hard to HEAR and Understand what she was saying. She really did a wonderful job explaining and we love and trust her. All 3 of us. But, she is asking us to listen to our options and what did we want to do. She even asked if we wanted a second opinion. I said, No. I want to get started. Bobby was to my right, and I do remember saying, I want to be there to see his kids get married. I quit work to help take care of his kids. I want to see my great grandbabies born and help take care of them. That is when I believe I began to think again.
She mainly presented two options she thought were best, but to me they were basically the same. Do you want to take this poison or this poison to try to kill the cancer cells? I didn’t know and I did not want to take time to research it. Let’s go.
I said, “Dr. V, if your mother had this cancer what would you do”.
She said, “We are going to go with Immunotherapy” and then she explained more detail as to who, what, how much, when, etc, etc. She said, “Ask me questions”.
I asked, “Where did this come from? I don’t drink, smoke, grew up in the country with about the purest air.”
She said, “Sometimes we just don’t know what starts these tumors.” We asked about side effects. She said, “The immunotherapy had fewer side effects that typical chemotherapy. Not the nausea and vomiting”.
Bob said, “Will she lose her hair?”, he look at me and said, “I don’t want you to lose your hair”. It really was some comic relief we needed right then and even after. My husband is bald on top of his head and is not always inclined to comb the hair he has, and he doesn’t want me to lose my hair. We all got chances to ask questions, Bob, myself, and Bobby. She said, OK, should we get started.
I remember looking at Bob, to my left, and asking, “What do you say”? He said yes. I looked to my right, to Bobby and asked “What about you? He said, “Yes”. I looked at her and said, something like, “Let’s do this thing”. I really didn’t say exactly those words but that would have been really cool. I am sure I said something exciting like, “let’s go”.
I will have my immunotherapy treatments (2 medications) every 3 weeks, for 4 times. Then I will continue with only 1 medication for 6 more times for the first session. That therapy will continue for years, I hope. Originally, I was given 2 years but Dr. V stated she has a patient very similar to me who is doing extremely well and it has been 7 years.
My kidney tumor measures 6 inches X 3.5 inches X 4.75 inches. They think it has been there for about two years. I never had one symptom. No pain, no blood, nothing. I have had pain in my back, but usual stuff. There are many nodules, no number given that I remember, in both lungs, measuring multiple sizes from 2 inches each to very small nodules, some lymph enlargement. I measured these out on pieces of paper and I was blown away and questioned, how can I still be alive.
Even though it seemed like the cancer was everywhere, they never mentioned my brain. I felt, I was not as quick at some of my cognitive abilities as I was before but not to the sense that anyone, even Bob would notice. But I felt there was something different. I asked for and had a brain MRI on June 19th.
The MRI I had done on June 19th did not show any metastasis to my brain. Fortunately, they did find my brain. Some questioned if they would find anything at all. I will say the MRI is like water torture with sound. The worst thing I have had done. The sound was soooo loud and annoying. You would think with the miracle’s health care has developed; someone could invent an MRI that was more tolerable.
June 25th, I had my first immunotherapy treatment. I had no idea what to expect. If I have stayed with any of you, you know how much I pack for a few days. I packed about just as much (like the Howells) for my 3-hour tour of therapy. While it was ALL morning, 7:20 – 12noon, it all went very, very well. We seemed to hurry up and wait for blood work, for results, to see the doctor, to wait for my infusion. But once we got into the infusion center, things moved along and went extremely well. They did have to do 2 pokes to start an IV but the infusion went great. It didn’t burn and I didn’t taste it, as I had some contrast infusions in the past month. The 2 drugs actually only took 1 ½ hours for total infusion. The nurses were fantastic, kind, liked to talk, positive and caring. They liked what I was knitting and Bob actually took a picture, sent it out and said, Sue is teaching the Nurses how to knit.
I actually felt pretty good after the treatment, except I still tired easily and have to take frequent breaks. I get dizzy and winded, due to the tumors in my lungs. I am experiencing back aches and my doctor thinks it is from the kidney tumor pushing on my organs and my ribs. The back aches are similar to before, when I just thought it was cause I am a little large and not in perfect shape.
This is Sunday, June 30, 2019, and I have not had any side effects from the chemotherapy. They do say that often you do not feel the side effects until after the 2nd infusion. BUT so far, so good.
Song: How Great Is Our God? by Chris Tomlin
My Life, Until Now
I was born in 1955 in Pittsfield, Pike, Illinois to Paul and Ruth. I have one sister, Judy, 10 years older and a brother, Tom, 7 years older than me. I lived in the same house my whole life in a beautiful neighborhood on Clarksville Road. I have always compared my home community to Mayberry, RFD. Life was wonderful and, in the summertime, all the kids went out to play in the morning. I don’t ever remember coming back in until supper. I am sure my mother fed me lunch; I don’t remember what. I do remember if I got hungry, I would run in and get a hot dog (raw) and or a pickle. I love pickle juice. I just remember playing all day. The neighborhood had lots of children, some my age, some older. I don’t remember younger children, but I know they were there, I just didn’t pay attention. I loved climbing trees. To climb up high, yes high, and sit there like a bird and watch the world go by. I could climb higher in the trees in our neighborhood than anyone, even the boys. We all played and played and played. I really, loved hopscotch. Take a rock, make your squares on the sidewalk, pick just the right ruck to toss and go. You can even play hopscotch by yourself and I remember doing that. We had a long sidewalk in from of our house which allowed me to do this.
My mother and her immediate family grew up in Pike County. My father was born in Germany and was sent alone to Pike County during WWII and lived with the Strauss family. This is a little different than most families in Pike County but not totally. We had a wonderful family and an idyllic life. I love and adore them.
My grandmother, whom I’m named after, and grandfather lived across the street and a lot of my mother’s family still live in the surrounding area. I had lots of cousins and we were close. In my family, they would say we were “Thick as thieves.” I don’t even know what that means. We were not thieves but there were, it seemed, a lot of us when we got together.
I went to U of I, where right off the bat, I met, the man of my dreams, my husband. Bob. He is still the man of my dreams and always will be. We got married and had two boys. Bob and Christopher. We now live in a suburb of Detroit, Michigan, where Bobby, our older son, is a Wayne County Deputy. Christopher died 4 years ago on September 28, 2015. Worst day of my life. Followed by many worst days of my life. October 19, 2019 was his 4th birthday in heaven. He is with my parents, and many of my beloved family, celebrating. I miss him every day. He was my baby, yes, my baby, even though he died just before he was 32 years old. He was my baby. My husband traveled a lot and Chris lived here at home. It was just him and me a lot of the time. He loved to cook, and I would be his sous chef. Our kitchen looked like a bomb went off in it, every pan was used, and I was a happy little Momma. It would make him happy when I would brag about his food and he should be a chef. He was a very competent, extremely intelligent and an amazingly loving person. But he was my baby. More about him, a lot more about him later.
I share this basic info so that as I share random thoughts, and they are and will be random, you may have a jumping off spot to know my background, at least a little, maybe a lot. I do not know yet.
About
Hi, my name is Sue Jane, and this is God, Am I Coming or Going? Previously known as, Random Thoughts of a Woman Who Doesn’t Know If She is Coming or Going. I have always been a person who knew what she wanted, could usually figure out how I could get it and then, made it happen. I may not be good at geographical directions, but I have always found my way home. I usually take a few extra turns, a little longer, but I make it home. I will make it home this time, also. I just don’t know when. The when does not seem to be the main topic of concern. It is what path am I going to take to get there.
GPS in the car was a wonderful invention for me. With it, when I decided I wanted to go somewhere, I can just put in the address and go. I would get there, and I got home, always quicker than I did when I relied on my own direction. Sometimes there would be construction, traffic or something that may make the trip longer but, when I put in the address, follow the verbal and written directions, I could go wherever I wanted and actually find my way home. Sometimes my wayward looking for the right turn were shared when I got home, but usually not. Any problems driving, my husband would ask, No, everything was perfect. My driveway is connected to every location in the world.
Well, I am on my way home. We all are actually, but it is just God smacked me in the head, and a bunch of other places and said, you are on your way home. I have cancer, a lot of cancer, a lot of places. My dad had leukemia but other than that, cancer has not been a term we used a lot in our immediate family. I know how lucky we are for that, but it is the truth. When I got cancer, God got my attention. If He had said you have high blood pressure, overweight, or you should exercise more, I would have said, I know, I know, I know. I’m busy right now. I will look at how I can fit those things in later. BUT He said cancer! As we all know, when you have cancer you can’t say, I will treat that when it fits into my calendar or schedule.
I do want to say that I physically feel very well, today. I specify today, because, it is a good day. Tomorrow may be a good, day, then a bad day, and on and on and on. Many of you know just what I am talking about. If you saw me at the store, you would never know.
I have never done a blog or anything like this. Sometimes using FB pushes my technical limits. But I am going to do this blog. I will talk about why I am fighting for my life and doing a blog. I will share experiences. A few may be related to my medical condition, but many will be related to this journey home. I would say that God laid this blog and what I am to share on my heart. That seems way easier than it was. There has been a bigger battle going on in me, than fighting cancer. God has made it clear, very clear that my purpose on the trip home is to write down what He lays on my heart, put it out into the world and then GET OUT OF THE WAY. It also was very, very clear that all were to be invited on this journey. He will lead those, in His way, to this site. It is in His hands.
God, Am I Coming or Going?
Finally!!!!!
“Sue Jane, write down what I lay on your heart, get it out into the world, then, get out of the way!” This is the purpose God has given me in this stage of my journey. So far, I have followed the plan. Sometimes, I do feel I am running to keep up. But this, “get it out there” this is very, very hard for me. The technical aspect and my brain just done jive. I have prayed, asked for the text but none is forthcoming. Over the past several weeks, I have watched videos, read articles, looked up what I am having trouble with and yet, it isn’t easy and I feel I am pushing a boulder up a hill. In my mind’s eye, the blog would be neat and clean, even a little pretty. God would say, “Look what a wonderful job Sue Jane did.” He would be proud of me. Well, I think we all know that is not what He was going for. Maybe this blog is to be like us. While perfect in His eyes, showing flaws, yet we can be used by Him. Having blemishes but we can still encourage each other. Not look exactly like we thought it should and still love one another. I could work on getting the technical aspect of this blog for the rest of my life and not accomplish the purpose He has laid before me. I will continue to learn and implement how to put up the perfect blog, You may see changes that will allow for His work to be furthered. But for now, I need to, “get it out there”.
God, Am I Coming or Going? 